My first birthday in junior high was an unforgettable day in my life. My friends and I was planning to BBQ in the park. In that day, I got up early. I had to wash leaves because my mom wanted to make zongzi. Then I went to the train station. After a while, the bus came. We went to the park by bus. Fourteen minutes later, we arrived at the destination. We started a fire. When we finally succeed, a woman came to us and said: this is not the BBQ section. You have to go to the BBQ section. It means we have to start a fire again. Suddenly, my friends gave a big card for me. It was surprised me. I thought I wouldn’t receive a card.
After we finished the lunch, there is a pool for children. We played with children. I didn’t know we would play water, so I didn’t take clothes. At first, I demanded them not pull me to the water. Unluckily, they pulled me in the end. When we enjoyed playing at the pool, the sky turned black. It seemed to rain. Just as expected, it rained. We didn’t have umbrellas. We waited about fifty minutes, the rain didn’t stop. Then we decided to walk to the bus stop even it was raining. It was an unforgettable day in my life. I wouldn’t forget it.
訂閱：
張貼留言 (Atom)
史黛拉同學
回覆刪除你真是把time order words用到淋漓盡致啊
細節跟細節之間寫得很清楚, 小小的副作用是變得有一點點流水帳的感覺, but 大致上寫得很OK啦
下面是文法上的建議跟文意有少數連的不順的地方
1. My first birthday in junior high was an unforgettable day in my life.
==>Good start!
2. My friends and I was planning to BBQ in the park.
==>was? 還是were? 還是planned就好?
==>to have a BBQ
3. In that day, I got up early. I had to wash leaves because my mom wanted to make zongzi.
==>On that day
4. Then I went to the train station. After a while, the bus came.
到train station搭bus??
5. We went to the park by bus. Fourteen minutes later, we arrived at the destination.
==>簡化成: It took us fourteen minutes to take the bus to the park.
6. We started a fire. When we finally succeed, a woman came to us and said: this is not the BBQ section. You have to go to the BBQ section.
==>succeed的時態不對
7. It means we have to start a fire again.
==>have to的時態不對
8. Suddenly, my friends gave a big card for me.
==> give...to...
9. It was surprised me.
==>was不用; surprised這裡就當動詞了
10. I thought I wouldn’t receive a card.
==>I didn't expect to get a card.
或I didn't think I would receive a card.
11. After we finished the lunch, there is a pool for children.
==>第一is時態不對
==>第二這句話邏輯怪怪的" 我們吃完午餐後，有一個小孩的池子。...
請改成:我們吃完午餐後, 我們去一個給小孩玩的池子
12. We played with children.
==>We played with the children there.
13. It seemed to rain.
It seemed like it was about to rain.
14. Just as expected, it rained. We didn’t have umbrellas. We waited about fifty minutes, the rain didn’t stop.
==>少了幾個linking words個字
==>We didn't have umbrellas at that time, so we waited for about fifty minutes. However, the rain didn't stop.
15. Then we decided to walk to the bus stop even it was raining.
==>So we decided to walk in the rain to the bus stop.